Big Time Courage
by Poet-Emmanuelle
Summary: When Kendall falls sick, the boys are faced with the harsh reality that they might not be together forever. From the weakest times, they pull their strongest attributes- hope, faith, and courage. Will it be enough to save Kendall...and their friendship?
1. The beginning

**Hey, all. It's me, Poet. This is my first story so it's a little rocky, but I have had help from an amazing gal- TealMoose. Please check her out, she is amazing, seriously. If you like Kendall whumpage check out the story Romantic Heart by her, it's on my profile under "Favorite Stories." Enjoy 33**

It was a bad situation. The darkness of the Los Angeles night had taken it's hold on the sky; a cool, salty breeze waltzes in from the window. Occasionally car lights filtered in, illuminating the sleeping boys. A tan Latino curled up in his bed, hands grasping his helmet like a child holding his teddy bear. Two brunettes snore softly, tangled in their respective sheets.

But the blonde sixteen year old lay awake. The moon keeping him company, but did little to ease the obvious signs of discomfort on his face. Thick eyebrows knotted together, mouth in a tight line. Night was the only time he could express the pain that bubbled from his knee. It blossomed through his joint in white, hot bursts. It kept him from his visits to slumber land which he so desperately needed. Simple tasks had become harder. Dancing brought the pain from a dull ache to sharp discomfort, it was harder to run, to swim, to do other things healthy teenage boys should be able to do. Kendall Knight was sick, he knew. But when his friends asked, he refused to believe something was seriously wrong. He would brush off his unavoidable limp as "growing pains," but when a few months drifted by, the excuse lost effect. It later become "something pulled from hockey, but nothing to worry about." But when the pain was still there, he learned to keep quite.

You see, Kendall was the leader. He was the rock. He would not alarm his friends because of his leg. To them, the pain had went a way long ago. He learned to hide his limp, to use his arms to swim, and to run off to the bathroom after dance, turn the water on, and clench his jaw tight as tears pricked his eyes. A few splashes of cold water to his clammy face, and he was golden. To everybody else, Kendall Knight was perfectly healthy. It was a bad situation, Kendall was hurting, but he couldn't tell anyone. And as he wished for the dawn to come and paint the sky, he pulled his pillow over his head and let the sleeping pills he wolfed down earlier take effect.

"Hey! Bushy Brows! Your hogging my mirror time!" James pounded on the door of the bathroom in apartment 2J, which currently occupied his…band mate? Brother? Best friend? But of course, James would never admit that. Which was he was calling out stupid nick names and masking his worry in Cuda Man hairspray. It wasn't like he didn't see. It wasn't like none of them saw. James may be ignorant, self absorbed, narcissistic, and other long words Logan called him. But he wasn't blind or uncaring. When his friend was hurting, he could feel it to.

"James, you don't need anymore hairspray. You look _fine_, now let's go before Gustavo…I don't know…kills us!"

"It's not me! It's Kendall!"

'_Amazing,_' Logan thought, '_Only seven a.m. and they're already at it…I need knew friends_.' As many times as Logan said it, he never actually meant it. Especially since his doctor-senses had been tingly. Ever since he brought up the sudden limp he noticed in Kendall- faintly, of course. Kendall was good at hiding his emotions, with his dad away, it was normal for him to feel sad or worried. But age taught him how to cope, Kendall's coping means hiding his pain from everybody else. Nobody was suppose to know that Logan looked at his friend with worry when he realized his breathing wasn't deep and even, like most sleeping people's should. Kendall had insisted it was growing pains or a pulled muscle, but Logan had known Kendall since he was four. It was something more. Way more. Logan wanted to kill what ever was causing his friend's distress, but since it was Kendall's body there wasn't much he could do. And because Kendall wouldn't admit anything, he couldn't get him to see a real doctor. '_That doesn't mean he can't see me_.'

"Um…Logan? You okay? You've been zoning into space."

"Yeah, Kendall, I'm fine," _But your not_, Logan scanned the pale skin, the thin frame, the dark under-eye circles, "Where's James? And…where's Carlos?"

"James is plastering his hair to his face with Cuda Man and Carlos…-" He couldn't finish though, as the small Latino flew through the air, landing on the couch, spraying popcorn from the bowl that was balanced on Katie's lap everywhere.

"_Dude!_ Watch it!"

"Sorry, Katie."

A small trampoline sat in the middle of the apartment, low to the ground, dark fabric gleaming. There it was, in all it's glory. The trampoline they ordered weeks ago was now delivered.

"Kendall, Logan, James, you gotta try it!"

"I don't want to mess up my perfectly Cuda'ed hair…"

"Did he just use Cuda as an adjective?" Kendall whispered to Logan.

"I think he did…."

"Maybe another time, Carlitos. We have to get to the studio. We're already… three minutes late!"

So off the boys went, to fill their day with angry shouts, vocals, and the laughter that accompanied their unique job.

* * *

Dinner at the Knights was as follows; James and Carlos would make fights with their dinosaur nuggets, Katie would read the business and sales section of the newspaper, Logan would tell Mrs. Knight about his day, and Kendall would push food around his plate, text Jo, and joke around occasionally. Lately, though, he's been silent. He hasn't even made an attempt to make it look like he's eaten something. His mom would tell him, beg him to eat something and his friends would twiddle their thumbs awkwardly. Katie would peek out from the paper, and say, "C'mon big brother…just one bite."

Kendall would stuff something in his mouth to keep us from thinking he was anorexic or something, then would retreat back to our room, his phone buzzing with Jo's messages.

Today was different. It was just Logan and Mrs. Knight. Kendall and James were on a date, Carlos was at the park doing God-knows-what, and Katie was playing video games with Kyle. So there Logan sat, Mrs. Knight bustling around the kitchen while he surfed the web. He was looking for Kendall's symptoms. Fatigue- check. Weight loss- check, Kendall was always lean, but now he's gaunt to the point where it was not attractive. Sharp angles and prominent bones. Kendall has stopped swimming, but he would lay on the chairs in his trunks and a shirt to hide his ribs that peeked out of sallow skin. What was worst was when he would lift his hand to catch a Frisbee and Logan would check sight of his hip bones, they stuck out painfully. The worst symptom was his leg. The leg that kept him wincing, the leg that kept him awake at night. The pain that he was hiding. It was evident in his eyes, in his lips pulled into a thin line.

His fingers shook with worry as he knew the links would, inevitably, be bad. But these were worse then he could ever imagine.

'_This can't be…Kendall isn't sick. He's not…he's not…_' But Logan couldn't find words to say. He was wishing, really wishing that he could just believe Kendall's excused. But if he was right, Kendall was seriously, terminally ill.

"Mrs. Knight. You might, you might want to come look at this…"

And she walked over, as if she was going to look at Logan's new high score, a new found science fact, and not the devastating fate of her son. Her perfume accompanied her as she invaded the small desk. Staring her down was the MedWeb symptoms of osteosarcoma and Ewing's sarcoma under the pediatric oncology section.

"But…But that's cancer!"

As much as we so desperately wanted to believe it was not true, Mrs. Knight spoke the truth.


	2. The Scientist

_**Hey everybody! Thank you so much for the reviews, they mean so much to me. The latter part of this chapter I'm not too fond of, it brings back pretty unpleasant memories, but at the same time, it brings back wonderful memories. How can you not remember every last tear, smile, heart felt goodbye? I hope you enjoy reading it as much I enjoyed writing it! **_

* * *

"_Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me. Oh, I want to rush to the start. Running in circles, chasing our tails, come back as we are. Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, nobody said it would be this hard. Oh, I'm going back to the start." The Scientist, ColdPlay._

* * *

**~Logan's POV~**

"Kendall! You have to do something- you can't keep going like this!"

"Bug off, Logan! I'm fine! It doesn't even hurt anymore. You over-reacting! It's not cancer, it's not serious. It will go away, stop pretending to be doctor, you don't know a thing!"

"Ken, I'm your best friend, I'm like your brother! I just want to help you! If anything happens, I- we'll never be able to live with ourselves…and I can't stand that your hurting! Please, Pl-"

"Logan, just forget it. I can take care of myself. If your not cool with that, than you can just forget me and hike a ride back to Minnesota, go to school, become an actual doctor, so you can do something for once." A flicker of something unreadable blazed through his forest green eyes. It stung. Since we were four, we have never had a fight like this. I kept telling myself Kendall didn't mean it. It was just the pain that was making him so on edge. I don't know what happened. Our leader, our sweet, loyal, strong Kendall.

After the exchange of cold words, things calmed down. An awkward tension still hung in the air, it's been almost a week. I lay on the couch, throwing hockey puck in the air. Usually, the act of gravity that brought it back down to my face would intrigue me. But the only thing on my mind was Kendall.

"Hey, Buddy," The couch swings low, welcoming James' weight, "You can't keep moping there forever. Kendall will snap out of it. And I know Camille wants to see you."

I try to smile, I really do. But life feels like it's just crashing down. Carlos is jumping on that trampoline again. I listen to the springs go _bounce, bounce, bounce_. The light shifts through the windows. This is not how Saturday's are supposed to spent. Just then, a tired blonde pops his head out through the door. My heart clenches.

"Hey, Kendall. How ya feelin'?"

He doesn't answer. He walks carefully, I try not to notice the way his leg shakes with effort with the less-than-normal weight put on it. I try not to notice the collar bones protruding.

One thing you should no about me- I'm really not a violent guy. My fights don't go more than a few slaps or pushes, playful, always. But it took ever nerve of my body to not run and tackle Kendall, beat him unconscious and pull him all the way to the hospital.

He comes toward me, flops down in between James and Carlos, who has abounded the trampoline. He take his helmet, looks at it then at Kendall, and, something I have never seen before occurs. He puts the helmet on Kendall, then hugs him. Then James is next. And soon, I can't help it. I'm pulled into his familiar embrace, warm and comforting, and just Kendall. He speaks close to my ear.

"I'm so sorry, Logie. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean anything I said. I couldn't imagine doing this without you- with out any of you. I don't know what in the world has been going on, but man am I sorry…really, though, I am fine. I know my leg had been causing me trouble before, but you've gotta trust me when I tell you I'm fine."

"Okay, it's okay. I'm sorry too, I guess I overreacted." I hated to apologize when I really didn't mean it. But even so, everything was going to be okay. Kendall was right, I should have trusted him. It is his body, after all. No matter how sick he looked.

"Does that mean you'll go on the trampoline now!"

"Um, maybe another time, Carlos…I-I"

"But you said you were fine, right?"

"Well, yes, but I don't think it's such a good idea."

"Kendall, if you really are fine, you would do one jump on the trampoline, c'mon, for Carlos' sake?"

"Okay. I'll do it."

"What?"

"I said I'd do it."

I wasn't expecting Kendall to actual do it. I couldn't tell if he was going to suck up the pain and do it to prove he wasn't lying or if he actually was fine. My mind reeled back to that glowing screen, _"Symptoms may include weakening of effected bone, often resulting in fractures…." _I wanted to stop Kendall, if he really was fine, he would let us take him to a doctor, not do something stupid like this.

But it was too late, Carlos was bubbling with excitement, and James was leaning over him.

"No, Carlos…I don't think Kendall is strong enough yet-"

"Nonsense, Logie. Kendall is fine, he said so himself."

"James-"

"Okay, you just jump and than sail all the way on to the couch! It's such a rush!"

Everything stood still. Kendall jumped, but he didn't fly threw the air or end up on the couch. Dust particles caught the dying sunlight, the door opened, welcoming Mrs. Knight and Katie, a sea gull cried, but the sounds above everything else was a sickening crack and then the deafening sound of Kendall's pain-filled yelp.

* * *

**~James' POV~**

The last time Kendall was sick, he was nine and wouldn't admit to it. He had the flu, had to go home after throwing his guts up during hockey practice.

Kendall's different from the rest of us, he doesn't like to feel weak. He'll ask for help if it's a girl, if it's a friend, or somebody else, but not for himself. It's not selfless anymore, it's past that point. Kendall and I are both proud, but in different ways. I'm proud about my looks, my gorgeous hair that looks slightly side-swept, my full lips, amazing tan, surf board abs. Kendall was proud in the fact that he wouldn't admit to weakness. That's why he got on the trampoline. He thought we would be fine and we would all get off his back, but it backfire, big time.

Now, we're in the ER. It's busy, a 14 car pile up left almost 16 people injured, as it has been unusually foggy. Kendall is sleeping in the cot, as his mom holds his hand. Logan has been quite. Wallowing in pity. He wanted to stop Kendall, he really did. I am just as guilty, I pushed Kendall to go on the trampoline.

We had been seen by the first nurse, who hadn't done much but take his blood pressure and such, then another nurse came in and put a tube in Kendall's arm for morphine. Than Logan and Mrs. Knight talked to the doctor, and a few other people came in to take x-rays. That was over an hour ago, and people keep fluttering in and out of the room.

Carlos is in the play room for little kids, I'm almost jealous. I want to be anywhere but here, in these cheap plastic seats. We didn't think it would be a good idea for Carlos, who's scared of needles, to come in the treatment room. And the hospital was no place for a ten year old, so we left Katie with Kelly.

After the fall, Mrs. Knight rushed over to her son, who was grimacing in pain. Logan- Logan froze up. He couldn't even form words, and I bend down to try to help Kendall up.

"Carlos, take Katie to the studio, we're taking Kendall to the hospital. Logan? Logan! Help us get him into the car!" And Logan supported one side of Kendall, while I did the other. He was frighteningly light. His leg was snapped in two, twisted in a sickening angle. He writhed in pain the whole way here and it took almost an hour for somebody to see him because of the injured people in the pile up. I just wanted to saw "Screw them! Fix my best friend!" But I couldn't. For the first time in my life, I felt insignificant. I felt worthless, useless. I'm sure Logan felt the same. It just wasn't fair.

The door opened, a few more X-ray technicians stepped in. Mrs. Knight backed up, as the large equipment was balanced over her son's chest.

"Excuse me, but why are you taking X-rays of his chest? His leg is broken- fix it!"

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, I know your worried, but these are just orders. I can send the doctor in as soon as he's freed up. I don't know anything else."

"Can't you do anything? I just want some information- he's my son."

I lifted my head, the young tech had glasses and dark stubble around his chin. His eyes were kind and gentle.

"Listen, he's stable. He's not in pain thanks to the morphine drip, he's resting. He'll be fine. Right now, the doctor is very busy with the car-crash victims. He'll be out to cast up his leg as soon as he's done."

Once the doctors and nurses bustled out, another one came in. A plump lady took Kendall's vital signs, then left. Mrs. Knight put her head in her hands.

I notices for the first time how crowded the room was. It was small, a television playing on mute in the back room. A pink and green curtain separated Kendall's bed form the door, small windows, the kind that didn't open, kept out the inkiness of the night. Monitors hung on the wall, but none of them were attached to our blonde friend.

He lay fragile in the bed, brows creased, but peaceful. I'm not sure how much time I spent looking at the abstract picture that stared me down, but the nurse was suddenly flustered. She left and came back with several more in tow. A clear, thin tube was now running under Kendall's nose, and the nurse looked at his mom sympathetically.

"What is going on here! What's wrong with my boy!" Mrs. Knight was blowing up, but none of did anything, "We have been here for hours and nobody is telling us what is going on! I just want to see the damn doctor!"

"Ma'am, your son's oxygen saturation levels slightly lower than normal, it's not threatening, but does call some alarm. We're just giving him some extra oxygen to make it easier for him, we're trying to find out why his blood oxygen gasses are so drawn," The nurse puts her hand on Mrs. Knight's arm, "I will get the doctor immediately. We have just sent Kendall's X-rays to the U.C.L.A. Children's hospital for a second opinion, there were some complications,"

"Complications?"

"There were some abnormal masses found in your son's leg and lungs. I'm sorry, that is all I know."

The nurse left and Mrs. Knight and Logan stood, flabbergasted.

None of it made sense to me.

* * *

A worried Mom was up late through the night. The clock neared midnight, she stared at her son, her baby boy.

They had come in nearly four hours ago for a broken limp, and though the night nurses came in to do more and more tests. Blood draws, X-rays, now a base-line EKG was tangled on her son's chest.

A brunette was asleep on a small plastic chair, his back turned so nobody could see his tear streaked eyes, another male caught glances of himself in the mirror across the room.

The small, but well-equipped emergency room was strangely mute, but outside the room, the hospital was vivid, exploding in bright lights, orderlies running out with the gurneys, and a lone doctor with a grim expression headed into the room containing a sick blonde. In his hands was a folder with test results.

As the door opened, the mother rose.

"May I please have the other boys step out? Mrs. Knight, you might want to have a seat."

"What's wrong with my son and why do they need to step out?"

The teenagers, not wanting to cause anymore trouble, rose. They cast a wayward glance at their best friend, but left the cool room, going to unite with their Latino friends.

The doctor let out a sigh as he clipped the X-rays to a lit holder. He extended his hand to shake the worried mother's.

"I'm doctor Callaway. I work with the UCLA Children's hospital, my friend, doctor Larkins called me in, we are having Kendall transferred by ambulance to my hospital. I want you to go home, pack a bag, and meet me in the emergency room. They will be waiting for you. I know it's been a long night, I know you are confused, but your son appears to have a collection of cells, or a tumor, engulfing his femur, pelvis, and have started to penetrate the walls of his lungs. Your son has bone cancer, we want to do a biopsy of the tumors. This can either be classified as osteosarcoma or, worst case scenario, Ewing's sarcoma. I am not sure of the progression, until we do the biopsy, there is not much I can tell you. I am so, so sorry," He brushes his hand through the oblivious teenager's hair, "Missus Knight, Kendall is very sick. I don't want to scare you, but there is a very real possibility that your boy won't be going home with you."


	3. What Do We Know?

** Do you all believe in ghosts? I've heard some pretty weird stories from parents who lost their children to cancer about how they leave 'hints'. I'd never had anything like that, but I dream about Tyler a lot. A few nights a go, I dreamed about him again. It was very vivid. We were sitting outside the Children's Hospital, he looked like he wasn't sick, he was eating something and we were just talking about school and things. Whenever he visits me in my dreams, we always talk. I laughed a lot. When I woke up I instantly felt happy and relieved. It made my whole day, I am filled with such joy when I see his face. The whole school is really feeling the loss, but as we go into March, things get better. The town starts to rebuilt itself again. Saturday will have been three weeks since his death of this year, 3 years ago I remember his last breath...it seems like yesterday. Enjoy this chapter, I promise the action will come after Kendall's surgery. The whole family is in shock, so they're taking it slow. Love you guys. **

* * *

_"Pick up the phone, nobody's home, I'm all alone, we've all been here before. By yesterday, I saw a change, as you walked out the door. It's a twist, a little bit, I'll admit, but we're stronger than before. Open up, I've had enough…I've had enough. Now I'm holding on, and waiting." What Do We Know, Thousand Foot Krutch _

* * *

Chapter III

"Osteosarcoma, bone cancer," Kelly leans over Gustavo in the studio, he's been listening the boys on repeat ever since he got the news of Kendall's hospitalization, "It's metastasized to his pelvis and lungs. He's having limb salvage surgery on his leg tomorrow, and they'll insert a port in his chest for chemo. 6 rounds, then radiation. The prognoses is just over 60%. I want you to be there with me tomorrow, to wish him luck and tell him how much he means to you. How much they _all_ mean to you."

The upbeat music fades through out the background. It's ironic, Gustavo thinks, that Kendall, that any of the dogs would get cancer. They were so…happy, full of life, most of the time smiling and joking. How was it fair? Gustavo thought if he didn't get up from his chair, if he drown his sorry in pudding, if he listened to their music on repeat until he fell asleep, he would wake up and find this is only a nightmare. At first, he thought about the record, the tour, the Cds, the band. And then it really hit him. Kendall was dying. Griffin had came and sat with him, but they exchanged no words. Kendall, in a hospital. This couldn't be happening, Kendall was his dog.

Kelly cries, but the boys' voice overpowers the tears.

* * *

Mrs. Knight sat at her son's hospital bed. The oddly comfortable bed was reclined all the way down, Kendall tangled in the white sheets upon the flat, stiff surface. IV tubes twisted in the splints in his wrist, an oxygen mask obscured his face. The tumors in his lungs have started to close off his airways, it's more of a fluid build up then the actual solid mass. At least, that's what doctor Christopher Callaway had told her.

Two days. It had been two days since she had seen her boy awake. He had been sedated through out the testing and to keep him comfortable. Nobody had formally told him he had cancer, but Mrs. Knight knew that somehow he had the idea. She hoped he was dreaming right now. She hoped in his mind, he was on the ice. That every needle stick was just the defensive players. There were no visitors besides the boys and Katie until after the surgery. It was simpler that way, she didn't want to worry about anything else.

If Kendall was awake, he would be asking for Jo. If Kendall was awake, he would be complaining about not getting food. Now, he's underweight, something Mrs. Knight had never dealt with before. Kendall had been a good eater growing up, he would eat his vegetables and sit down for dinner, and have a coke and half a sandwich for lunch. It seemed funny that she was just thinking about something as insignificant as his weight. It startled her, how could she not have known anything was seriously wrong? She eyed her boy, his arms wrapped around his body, as if protecting himself. '_Too bad the danger is inside of you'_, she thought. What had she done to deserve her little boy, her perfect son, getting cancer?

She stares at the phone in her hands. She takes a deep breath and dials the number she wish she didn't know by heart. It picks up on the third ring.

"Hello?" The voice is kind, it asks again, "Hello?"

"Joseph…it's Challen."

"Challen, what's wrong? You never call, is everything okay?" The voice was careful, deep and gentle, yet concerned.

"You'd better come home…now."

"I can't just leave, we're in the middle of winter training, we have to get ready for spring. What's wrong?"

"Your son is dying."

"What? Challen? Hello?"

But she can't answer, because her throat swelled shut.

* * *

Kendall Knight's throat was dry. He opened his eyes and looked around, his eyelids heavy. He could see the bustle around his bed, but he knew he wasn't in the ER anymore.

"Oh! Sorry, Hun, didn't see you awake. We're just gonna take a scan of your lungs, so stay still for me."

Lungs? His leg. His leg was the problem. Kendall felt trapped in a fog, but he didn't hurt. When he lifted his head and looked down, he was horrified. This was not his body, painful ribs stood out, IV sites with clear tape twisted on his wrists, wires on his torso. The nurse, the same one as before, clucked.

"Oh, Hun, I thought I told you to sit still," She said in her southern drawl.

He looked up at her, his eyes clouded with emotion. His voice was feathery, like faint wind.

"I'm really sick, aren't I?"

The nurse looked at him with a look he'd never forget all his life.

_ Pity._

_

* * *

_

His dimples had almost disappeared. His cheekbones made his nose look sharper than ever before. So gaunt. He held on to Kendall's hand. He would have to leave soon. They would be prepping him for surgery. A hand appeared on his shoulder, but did little to ease the frown lines that marred the boy's face.

"It's my fault."

"No, Logan. It's not. We all didn't see it, but we have to remember that Kendall was the one that didn't let us in. It's all of our faults. And at the same time, none of ours. This just happens." Mrs. Knight had spoken with the social worker earlier that day. She was loaded to take on questions and provide facts to the boy that was almost like a second son. But Kendall was _hers_, and he was irreplaceable. She pulls up a chair and takes the brunette's hands.

"46 children are diagnosed with cancer each school day. Kendall was just one of them. Think of the odds, Logan. What were the odds of you guys becoming famous pop-stars? What are the odds of Kendall getting cancer? There are chances for everything, you become lucky once, and now…now we're not so lucky."

They sit in silence until the door swings open revealing a very nervous Gustavo. Kelly walks around him, the music producer is frozen still. She leans over the bed, stroking Kendall's hair motherly.

"Poor boy…" She murmurs.

"Do you guys want a moment alone with Kendall? I have to find Katie, but he's scheduled to have his surgery at noon." Mrs. Knight ducks out of the room, but Logan doesn't budge from his spot. Kelly puts her hands on his shoulders as Gustavo pulls up a chair. Suddenly he looks all of six years old. Apprehension running across his face. He looks at Kelly.

"Can he hear me?"

"Absolutely," She promises.

"Look, Kendall. Your…I'm…I'm sorry. It wasn't fair for you to get sick," He looks at Kelly again for direction, she nods encouragingly. He takes a breath and purses his lips, causing his cheeks to puff out, "I never told you how much you _really_ mean to me. You and your pack of dogs taught me so much, loyalty, friendship, you guys changed me. I'm still the awesome producer I was, but now I feel like I have somebody to protect, you dogs are my life, not just for the music. I live for the way you get in my face and fight me on everything, I love the way it makes me feel. I call you guys friends, I didn't even have friends, but now, I feel like I'm going to lose you, Kendall, so I just wanted to say…good luck on your surgery, and I'll be back to visit later…." Gustavo accomplished giving his thanks. His eyes were wet as he looked at his sleeping dog.

"Aren't you going to say '_good bye_?'"

"I'm scared if I say '_good bye'_, it'll be our last," And then he flees.


	4. Show Me What I'm Looking For

**Hey, everybody! I know this chapter is long overdue, but I have been super busy lately with school and work. Anyway, I should have another chapter to you guys by the end of the week. I hope you enjoy, or don't. And be sure to check out my new story, Open Your Eyes, might be multi-chapter, might be Kames, I'm not sure yet. Oh, by the way, the American Cancer Society holds an event called Relay For Life, which is always super fun, you walk all night with your friends and there is always lots of fun and memories. This year's Team Tyler raised over $2,000! I am so, so proud! We love to go out to breakfast afterward and talk about Tylerisms, or those funny things Tyler did and of course the times we all smiled and laughed. Love you always, missing you more, T! Thank you so much, xoxo. **

**P.S. Be sure to check out the Go Green Big Time Rush episode tonight!**

* * *

_"Wait, I'm wrong, should've done better than this. Please, I'll be strong, I'm finding it hard to resist. Show me what I'm looking for, save me, I'm lost, Oh Lord I've been waiting for you. I'll pay any cost to save me from being confused. Show me what I'm looking for, show me what I'm looking for, Oh Lord…" Show Me What I'm Looking For, Carolina Liar._

* * *

_"Dad?"_

_I look up from my packing and turn to my son. He is a carbon copy of me, all blond hair and eyebrows with long, flailing limbs. Sometimes I think he resembles a creature made of sunlight and pipe cleaners more than a seven year old boy._

_"Yeah, Bud?"_

_"Are you leaving?"_

_"Only for a few months. I'll be back before Katie's second birthday."_

_He launches himself at me and buries his head in my camouflage uniform. I cradle him against my chest._

_"Oh, Kendall. You're a big boy now, and you have look after Mom and your sister. I'll still call every week."_

_"Promise?"_

_His eyes are damp and bright. I smooth his locks down and kiss the crown of his head._

_"Promise."_

_I smile at the reappearance of his dimples, but my heart is heavy. I look at my loving family. My baby girl in her high stool, my wife cooking breakfast in kitchen. I love my son more than anything in the world. I taught him how to skate, how to tie his shoes, I drove his friends to hockey practice, and curled up with him on the couch watching the Caps and the Wild go head to head. Even though I've missed Christmas and Thanksgiving this year, I swore that April would be better. Until they called me back to Iraq. And then the affair started. It's hard to be away from your wife for that long._

_Juggling Kendall on my hip, I kiss Katie's cheek, who giggles, and pass my son over to Challen. We share a long, deep kiss, trying to pretend we don't notice the obvious lack of passion. I grab my duffle bags and head out the door._

_As I open the car, I'm greeted with another kiss, sweeter and more intense. I steel a glance out the window, at the quaint house that holds my family. My girlfriend, Emily, puts her hand around my cheek and pulls me to her. As the car drives off, so does my regret._

The plane takes off to L.A. and I'm still in my uniform,. More importantly, I'm nervous. I haven't seen my son in nearly ten years, since that day. That final goodbye. I've heard his voice, and I've fought with his mom. We filed for divorced when he was eight. I proposed to my fiancé when he was eleven. But that didn't work out either. She left me for some dark, Spanish hunk when I was in Iraq. Part of me wishes I could have stayed with my family. Seen them grow up. I haven't seen Katie since she was a baby and I am curious to see what she looks like. I bet she takes after her beautiful mother.

_"Daddy? Daddy? Are you there?"_

_I hold the phone away from ear and carefully get out of bed, trying very hard not to wake Emily. I slip on a robe and head to the living room._

_"Yeah, Big Man, I'm here. What's up?"_

_Was he aware that it was two in the morning my time? Of course not, I don't think nine year olds know about time differences. Maybe his one smart friend who I drove to Pee Wee hockey does. He was always telling me random facts in the car. What was his name? Lucas?_

_"You didn't call yesterday. You said you'd call every week."_

_I did say that. I also said that I would have my wife forever 'till death do us part, but that didn't work out either._

_"I'm sorry. I was really busy. Will you forgive me?"_

_"Of course, Daddy."_

_"So, how's school?"_

_I can hear him smile through the phone._

What will he look like? Does he still sound the same? Does he have a girlfriend? Is his favorite color still green? Lucky number still 13? I know he's in a band, I read about in a magazine Emily showed me.

_"Isn't this your son?" She sits at the vanity, fixing her hair, "I saw it today at the drug store."_

_"Yeah… That's Kendall."_

_She waltz over and places her hands on my shoulder. She leans close to my ear._

_"He looks just like you, you must be proud," She kisses my lips._

_There's that sinking feeling in my stomach again, "Yeah, I am."_

_I get lost in her vanilla perfume._

"Um, excuse me? Sir? The plan is landing, you have to put up your trey table."

I am awakened by the lady next to me, my fleeting dreams of memories disappear.

"Thank you."

She smiles coyly at me, and I realize just how pretty she is. Auburn hair and brown eyes. She reminds me of Challen.

"So," she tucks her hair behind her ear, "What brings you to L.A.?"

"My son, he's sick. With cancer."

Her whole expression changes.

"You're not wearing a wedding ring…?"

The pilot tells us we've landed and I waste no time getting my bags and stepping of the plane.

* * *

"Are you nervous?" Logan asks his friend, who is currently holding an oxygen mask over his face. The surgery is less than 20 minutes away and everybody is freaking out. Having seven people- Carlos, Logan, James, Kendall, Katie, Mrs. Knight, and a nurse crammed into the prep room wasn't helping, but it was comforting to be with Kendall, who was awake.

"A little."

"Now, this is a major surgery and because we are removing a lot tissue it places a lot of stress on even a healthy a heart," The nurse says, "The surgeons fully expect to perform CPR."

At this everybody gasps.

"We are taking out the mass around your pelvis and placing rods where the bone was, same with your leg. This will result in significant blood loss, so we have several transfusions ready to go. We will give him anesthetic and intubate once he's under. He should be breathing on his own in recovery. Mom, you can stay with us until we go to the OR. While we're there, we will also place a port in his chest for Chemotherapy and draw some bone marrow to see if any cancer has metastasized. Do you all get what I am saying?"

Logan is the first to nod. James and Carlos are confused, but they understand this is the first step to get Kendall healthy.

"Alright. The surgery will take place in fifteen minutes. I'll leave so you can all say goodbye."

Kendall takes down the mask and looks with sad eyes at his family and friends.

"What did I do to deserve cancer?"

"You didn't do anything, Honey," Challen says as she smoothes down his hair, "I love you so much, Baby."

"Kendall. You have to pull through this, I don't know what I'd do without you," James grasps one of Kendall's hands, careful of the IV's.

"Buddy, do you promise you'll come out alive? You can even wear my helmet," Carlos is crying. He pulls his best friend into a hug and is surprised when Kendall's other hand rubs his back.

"Don't worry guys, you know me. Remember that game against Center Grove North? The odds were totally against us. Those guys played dirty and kept ramming us. We all agreed it would be so much easier to quit. But did we? No! We pulled through and beat them! Even if we did end up with broken noses… Anyway, I'm not going to let anything beat me, not even cancer. What have we learned since we came to L.A.?

"That all good rock stars wear spandex?"

"That Coke is blue before the put in the caramel coloring?"

"Never to be on a reality TV show again?"

"No, guys, it's that we are all stronger than we know. Believe me when I say together we can do anything. And even though I'm going in that room alone, I'll have all of you with me."

Tears fall down the teenagers' faces, and Katie sobs into her brother's side.

"It's okay, Baby Sister, I'll be back so you can torture me some more," He laughs, "I love you."

"I love you Big Brother, so you'd better pull through!"

"I am so proud of you. You are the best son I could of ever asked for. I'm proud of all of you."

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you so, so much, Sweetheart."

One more squeeze of the hand and kiss on the cheek and the nurse, followed by several doctors comes in.

"Mom, do you want to gown up?" The nurse asks as she checks Kendall's vital signs. The doctor leans him down on the bed and places a different, bulkier mask over his face.

Challen, now disguised with a blue gown and mask, navigates through the team of medics to hold her son's hand.

"Sorry, boys, time to say goodbye."

James holds Katie in his arms as they give Kendall one last wave. He gives them a thumbs up through the crowd of doctors. With that, the doors swing closed.

"Take deep breathes, Kendall. Can you count to ten for me?" The technician asks him.

His worried green eyes find his mom's as his eyebrows crease. He counts slowly and by the time he gets to seven his body starts to fight it.

"Just how he reacts. You can give him a kiss now."

Challen presses her lips to her son's sweaty forehead. The sterile room suddenly seems very heavy.

"We're ready to intubate."

She's led away by the nurse and watches as the doctor lifts an impossibly long tube and feeds it down his throat. She shields her eyes as she watches the teenager gag. Soon, the breathing tube is in place and the medics began to roll him down to the OR.

"Be strong, Baby!" She calls to her unresponsive son as she is walks through the door.


End file.
